Monday, December 17, 2007

Holiday Cheer '07

I want to extend a happy tidings to everyone out there during the Holidays. And, because I'm nothing if not helpful, I've compiled a list of gifts that anyone out there can get me for Christmas. Now, some of you out there may be saying "But wait... what if I don't know you? Anyway, I have a whole lot of friends already I have to get gifts for." Well, let me tell you that this is the season for giving, damn it. So GIMME!
But ok, I get it. You want ideas for other people on your list. That's fine. Take any of these suggestions and apply them liberally across your entire list of friends. There, don't you feel better? You can thank me by sending me a gift. Or money. Preferably in twenty dollar bills.

The Christmas List:

1. Perfumes, body washes, etc. -- If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that people stink. Every single last one of them. So this Holiday season, let us make a commitment to rectifying this horrible oversight of nature. Give a gift to your friends and family that helps them mask that terrible funk. And don't let any of their nay saying dissuade you. After all, they can't smell themselves as clearly as you can smell them. Just be careful with allergies. The last thing you want is to give them something you're going to be allergic to. So try it out before you buy.

2. Property ... in SPACE! -- Listen, there's no greater gift than land. And what's more exciting than space. Therefore, giving the gift of space land must be the greatest gift ever. I'm not going to link to any particular site here because, frankly, there are too many of them and I don't want to look like I'm favoring anyone in particular. But rest assured for a mere 20 to 40 dollars you can own a piece of the moon or name an entire star after someone you know. Now there are some criticisms about this kind of gift as no earthly body will recognize your rights or honor any purchases made in this way and the fact that there's an international treaty that does not allow any private entity to own astronomical bodies... or parts of it... BUT if you think about it, it's a no brainer.
Whoever you're giving the gift to is probably not going to live long enough to see civilians land on the moon or visit distant stars. So you're essentially in the clear. If anyone ever complains just tell them "Look, if you want to go visit it go ahead. It's right there. I'm not stopping you." It's not YOUR fault they can't ACTUALLY do it.

3. Any gift that results in a post card with the words "So-and-so has made a contribution to X in your name." -- Now technically, I'm not really interested in getting this gift. In fact, don't bother sending me this gift. I'll just hate you forever.
But I can't help but marvel at the genius that thought this up. I can, in effect, not get you ANYTHING and you still have to act like you appreciate it. This is the greatest scam ever. "Listen," I will say "I got you the greatest gift of all. The gift of seeing a child smile." I will then hand you a postcard featuring a small toothless baby displaying a strange expression that MAY be a smile or MAY be constipation. I can never tell. I will then ask you to disregard the fact that the postcard itself looks like a badly printed card that may or may not have come from a desktop printer. If you push the issue I'll call you an uncaring bastard. GENIUS!

4. Anything handmade -- Some would argue that handmade gifts should really remain the domain of 6 year olds with macaroni. I say, these people are too narrow minded. Not everything handmade has to be crappy. In fact, here's a link to a handmade ring on Amazon.com. Also, there are these people. Granted, I don't know how to play the guitar. But maybe all I've been waiting for is for someone to give me a handmade model to encourage me to learn. The pricier the more incentive.

So there you have it. With this as your guide, you will not go wrong this holiday season. And remember: twenty dollar bills.