Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My Thoughts and Other Unusual Phenomenon

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy. But I wonder if I could be using my brain power in more constructive ways. As I am too close to the subject in question, I will post the evidence here and let the Internet community be the judge.

Thoughts that keep me awake at night:
There is something seriously wrong with this country. No, I'm not talking about the way the government is trying to strip us of our civil rights or of the asinine Intelligent Design issue. I'm talking about the way, sometime in the last 5 to 10 years, that the "small" size items have dissapeared as options in theaters and fast food restaurants. Has no one else noticed this? There is no way I can get a small size drink at the theater any more. My options are: medium, large, and xl. What the hell? What happened to small? And before you start getting any ideas that this might be a relevant social comment, I don't care about "fattening of America" or the "nutritionally devoid American diet" B.S. I just think this shows a flaw in logic.

See if you can follow this. All items may be categorized as Small, Medium, or Large. However, these things may only be called such IF they are viewed in relation to each other. One cannot say "This grain of sand is LARGE" unless one has a point of reference. In other words, while a grain of sand may infact be large, it may only be large in comparison to other grains of sand or to other items that are not large.

Keeping this in mind, THERE CAN BE NO MEDIUM WHERE THERE IS NO SMALL. Medium, by definition, is a middle ground between small and large. If there is no small, there can be no medium. So, in point of fact, the medium IS the small. The large IS the medium. The xl IS the large.

To all you fast food people: I'm not stupid! I understand that sometime in the recent past you guys probably thought "Hey, if we take away the small people will have to buy the medium and we'll make more money". Fine. I get it. You're jerks. But you're not fooling anyone. Just raise the price of the small and let the customers decide if they want one size or another.

On a related note: Changing the names of the sizes of your cups of coffee to a different language does NOT totally blow my mind. It does NOT confuse me and make me buy a larger cup than I thought I needed. For my part, I do not order a Venti. I always make sure to look the clerk straight in the eye and say "Give me a LARGE!". (Note that the exclamation point is only there to add emphasis. I do not actually yell out my request. These people live shallow, meaningless lives as it is. They don't need some guy yelling at them to add to their problems.)

Thoughts that keep me from working:
I would like to have pizza for lunch. But, you know, I don't think I want to pay for the whole pizza. And my co-workers aren't in the mood for pizza today. So I think there should be a way to order a half a pizza. Not just a smaller pizza, that's silly. NO. I want to order HALF a pizza. I can't eat a whole medium pizza. It's too much. I want HALF a pizza.

Now I can see the pizza people pondering the potential of partial product procedures. And I'm here to help. Think of it: Pre-ordered, Pre-paid pizza! I should be able to order pizza in what is termed "make and hold". In other words, I want to place an order for a pizza now that shall be delivered at a predetermined point in the future. And, yes. I know PizzaHut.com already does this, but do they give me the option to get half my order now and half later? Perhaps I only want 3 slices today. But I'll be hungry next week, no doubt. Send me the rest then.
Also, I would like to suggest a new topping. Pizza. I would like to have "pizza" be a topping for my pizza. And I don't want any skimping on that topping, either. I don't just mean you take pieces of pizza dough and crumble it over my pizza. I mean go all out: Create mini pizzas with mini pepperoni and mini mushrooms all made as one would a regular pizza but 1/10th the size. Then take those mini pizzas and use them as toppings for my pizza. Why? I don't know... does everything have to have a reason? I just like the idea of some guy making pizzas with a magnifying glass in front of his face the way jewelers do.

On a related note: Some pizza places now deliver Buffalo-flavored boneless wings". I'm not sure I understand this. How the hell am I supposed to know what Buffalo tastes like? What am I gonna do? Try them at the door and shout "AHA! I have you. These clearly do NOT taste like Buffalo! I had Buffalo last night and it tasted nothing like this!" I'm sure someone out there would know what that tastes like, but all the places I buy my meat don't offer that as an option.

Why do we have an exclamation point (!) and a question mark (?)? Why do we not have an exclamation mark and a question point? And you would think that if anything would be called a "point" it would be a period. So we should also have a period point... and yet we don't. Why is that?

Thoughts that keep me from winning the Nobel Peace Prize:
I think we've waited long enough to build Battle Mechs. We have the technology to start building battle armor. Where are all the experiments to bring us full scale Mechwarrior style battle tanks? I want to see some Friggin' MECHA!

I understand that it's not as easy as anime makes it look, but C'mon! Mecha!

Clearly our generation are nothing but a bunch of slackers. I can't help feel that we've failed to live up to the expectations of 1950s America. Where are the hover cars? Where are the personal jet packs? We should have colonized mars by now and yet, here we are, wondering if MAYBE the moon has water-ice. And obviously, this is a job for America. After all, we own the moon (yes. Yes. we do. We put a little flag on it and everything. That means we own it.). So if anyone should be expanding into the rest of the solar system it should be us.

We are clearly unprepared for interstellar alien invasion. What if we're attacked tomorrow? Who will protect the women and children from the pod people?

I wonder how many guns is considered TOO many guns.

On a related note: How many guns would stop being a "personal collection" and start being "The Gun Museum"? I would think more than 365 guns is officially "The Gun Museum". Because then you can no longer claim you actually use them all. You could get away with claiming you use at least one every day of the year. On Independence day you use 3 or 4 of the special ones. And you keep one locked in a safe for leap year. So... ok. You can get away with 370 guns.