XBox Illumiroom?

The game sites are all talking about this Illumiroom device, or the concept of it anyway. To simplify the whole thing: imagine a projector that extends your tv screen so that it can create effects or visuals in your entire room. It's actually a pretty amazing concept but I don't know we'll it can actually be pulled off. It's also hard to say how likely it is that game companies will support this extra peripheral with already strained budgets. Even so, this is something I really want to see become real.
I've been playing a lot of Tomb Raider over the weekend and the visual presentation in that game is breathtaking. The color desaturation that occurs when the player gets hurt is the most obvious and would be a great fit for this device. If they could actually make your entire living room turn black and white as your character's life drains away it would immerse you so much in the game.
I was also thinking about the opening sequence in amass Effect 3. Specifically the end sequence of the intro where Sheperd is flying away as the earth is being blown up. What if the image on the screen was the doorway he/she is looking out of and the entire room turns into the interior of the ship he's flying away in? This would form an interesting interaction as your tv becomes a more literal window into the game world: out there is the war, here we are safe. And once the player becomes used to that idea how interesting would it be to shock them out of their compliance? Maybe at a critical moment, that feeling of safety is shattered by having a wall get blown out or an enemy attack from that previously "safe" area.
Anyway, here's to hoping these guys and gals can pull this off. I'm impressed with what I've seen so far and all of them have my respect for thinking outside of the box.
(See what I did there? The box? XBox? Oh, never mind.)

Hidden Meanings

I've been watching (not by choice mind you) this Yoplait commercial a lot online. I didn't notice it the first few times, but whoever directed it made some really weird choices.
It starts out pretty commonplace: two women go into a coffee shop to make a purchase. Then it gets weird. And no, I don't mean the way they refer to the items for sale by caloric value. What I mean is that all the characters appear to be having some weird internal strife with every decision and question they make.
Look at the woman in the blue dress, the way she's distracted by everything around her. That's not just a normal "I can't decide" sort of look on her face. She's having some serious difficulty in making a decision, she's internally conflicted with the possibility of having coffee at this shop. Assuming that in this weird 'calorie count' universe everyone's used to referring to all food items by their nutritional value, her distraction seems out of place for the context of the events. What's her story? What's going on? Why is she so anguished by her choices?
Now look at the guy behind the register. Notice how oddly he takes the order. What's his deal? Is he confused by the way they're ordering by calorie count? If so, why isn't anyone else noticing it? Is he a visitor to this parallel universe and he's only now noticing the strange differences in this world? What's with that expression on his face? There's something going on with this guy and no one is providing answers!
This guy's co-worker is no better by the way. When he asks if the woman in blue would like "You want the 40 whipped calories on that?", he looks back at his coworker with an expression that says ... what? I don't know! What's going on with these two? Are they secret lovers? Is he indicating to his coworker that 40 whipped calories will be in play later this evening? I can't tell!
Finally, the woman in purple and brown. At the end of the commercial she looks at her friend (is she her friend? They must be, they ordered together, presumably they only paid one transaction), and looks on a bit in disgust and a bit confused. Why? Her expression seems to say "I don't even know who you are anymore."
This commercial is driving me crazy. Someone needs to let me know what's going on. And I mean what's REALLY going on.

The Beads

The following is a very rough draft of a story I have in mind.

The man looked down at the large collection of beads filling the top drawer of the cabinet. He had filled it as high as he could with every kind of bead he could find. There were shiny ones and dull ones; red, blue, yellow, green ones; metal ones; small clear plastic ones; ones made from the small seashells and course glass ones.

He ran his hand over the top, sifting them slightly, listening to the sound they made as they ran against each other. He ran a single finger along the center, disturbing as few as he could but each one he moved disturbed its neighbor and those in turn disturbed the beads next to them. He thought about this for a moment. Surely even the bottom most beads were moved by this action, perhaps infinitesimally, but even so. He smoothed the beads into the drawer again, closed it, said a simple prayer hoping they would be enough and then he left the empty house forever.

Samantha walked into the old empty house alone, cold and afraid. It had been a windy night and the dark clouds now threatened to release their spite on her. “Hello?” she called again into the dark emptiness.

The house sat on the edge of an old, unused road rotting away with the ages. From the outside, it looked more like an old garage, the paint having been stripped long ago by the harsh rain and wind. The windows were so caked with grime they may as well be walls. The door she had come through was still on its hinges, but only barely.

“If there’s anyone here, tell me now”, she called at the stillness. “I’ve got a bat”, she lied, “and I can knock your head clean off your shoulders if you try anything.”

The wind rattled the windows in response but little else called out to her. Somewhere, far out in the fields a dog was barking. Samantha sighed with some relief and finally came fully into the house, laying her large backpack in the middle of the floor. It made a large ‘Kunk’ sound as the old wood took the weight of it. She reached into the bag and pulled out a flashlight.

The light from the flashlight was weak, the batteries dying, but even that much made her feel safer. A quick search of the building confirmed that it was a single floor house; a den, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. The water didn’t run and there were no light switches anywhere. There was no furniture anywhere in the house except for a single dresser in the bedroom. She checked the drawers; only the top drawer contained anything, it was filled with beads. ‘Great’, she thought, ‘I’ve probably stumbled into a horror movie.’ She shrugged off the shiver in her spine and thought ‘But it’s dry.’

Having given words to the thought, the rain began pouring in sheets. Samantha lay on the floor of the living room, where the roof leaked a bit less. As she had done many nights before, her backpack became her pillow and she sang herself to sleep while stroking the unborn child in her belly.

She would look at the beads again in the morning and find a note at the bottom of the drawer. It would read “If you would repay my kindness, bring flowers to my grave.” It would be more than ten years before she understood what this meant.

Samantha looked at the beads in the drawer. She remembered the beads she had collected as a child and the first necklace she had made of them; a necklace made for him.

Samantha sat in the parking lot swap meet feeling awkward. Her table filled with bead necklaces of every kind. She had selected every bead individually, surrounding herself with the little balls in the living room. She worked from sun up to sun down, stringing each bead according to her mood. This one reminded her of spending the summer with her aunt: greens and blues and occasional gold, that one of her first kiss: lots of red and pink with a bit of blue on one end. She had poured out her memories and given them form as necklaces. Now she was selling them. She wondered if that made her feel sad or proud. She locked away that emotion. Later, she would make a necklace that expressed it.

Samantha barely had time to sleep anymore. Between the baby and planting vegetables in the back yard and making whatever repairs she could make to the house, she felt as though awake 26 hours a day. The beads had run out. But she had somehow made enough to buy some paint, an easel and canvas. It had been just enough to paint a few landscapes and start selling those alongside the beads. She missed the beads. The 6 year old girls that came to her spot every week would make squealing sounds and pester their mothers all day with “Oh mommy, please, please, please. Can I have a pink one?” Occasionally parents would say ‘No’, which elicited tantrums and crying. She didn’t want them to cry of course, but it made her smile to think someone wanted her work so badly.

The paintings didn’t sell as well to the 6 year olds. She thought about painting something that would appeal to them, but she didn’t have a television and all the children seemed to talk about was “Princess Bubujubu: Warrior Supermodel” or “Transistor Formers: Collect all 250”. So instead, she poured her heart and soul into her paintings.

Samantha had woken in the middle of the night and listened at the stillness. The baby was asleep in his crib next to her bed. Her head spun for a bit as she cleared the cobwebs from her mind. She had been dreaming of the drawer full of beads. She kept hearing a voice in her dream that told her “If you would repay my kindness, bring flowers to my grave.”

In the morning, she would start a new painting. It would be a painting of the drawer full of beads, as she remembered it from that first morning. Within each individual bead, she would embed a tiny scene of each memory it elicited. The reds reminded her of his lips… The greens were a child’s feet running through grass… the blues were tears… and a single golden heart in the center where her baby slept in peace.

Samantha’s studio debut was a hit. She spent the night spinning around to shake hands with one person or another. Her work, apparently, was much sought after. It spoke of a life filled with heartbreak and triumph expressed in vivid tones with careful, deliberate strokes. The centerpiece of her show was the painting of the beads. She had struggled with the choice of selling it. At last, she decided against it. She had sold away all the beads; she needed something to remind her of the kindness someone had given her.

Samantha stood in front of the grave stone marked only with a name. “How did you know?” she asked. “How could you have known?”

Until this moment, she had not realized how much this stranger meant to her. Surely he could never have known what she would do with the beads, or even who she was. She lay the flowers on the grave and wiped the tears away.

Samantha closed the lid on the large box of paints and brushes. The box was filled with every type of color and brush. There were all kinds of reds, blues, yellows and every color in between. Every brush size anyone could ever need was nestled away in the box.

She didn’t know if anyone would ever come across it. She hoped someone would, and make use of it. With that, she stood up, leaving the box in the middle of the bedroom floor and left the empty house forever.

Items of Interest

I just want to give some recommendations to everyone today.

First, we've got Kevin Smith's and Scott Mosier's SMODCAST. I really enjoy this podcast and I can't recommend it enough. These two guys have such a great chemistry and it's always entertaining. Kevin Smith is always hilarious and Scott Mosier plays a great straight man and has the occasional observation that will leave you laughing your ass off.



My second recommendation is a game: Farm Frenzy. The gameplay of all the different Farm Frenzy games is pretty much the same. However, if you want to start with the best, start with Farm Frenzy 3. For part 3, the designers finally got all the elements right. The timing, the rewards system, the difficulty. Everything is perfect by the third version.



Give these a try, I love them. Listen to SMODCAST while playing Farm Frenzy. They're a great combination. You laugh, you play, you love.

Oh Yeah, Almost Forgot…

Happy Halloween and some junk.

Game Update

Over the weekend I decided to try my hand at programming the game I'm developing as this year's resolution. The problem is, I'm also trying to learn Java while I create it. It's not that the language is all that difficult, in some ways it's actually a lot simpler than C++ but the weird little conventions are really killing me.
The game programming book I bought to help me conceptualize the dynamics of the game had this very long program that I had to input manually. Why? Well, because the book's author is "remodeling" his site and all of the sample programs are nowhere to be found. But I figured, at least entering it myself will give me time to think through the logic of the example and maybe lead me to understand the material better. HA! No.
In fact, the whole thing took so long that I would end up forgetting that I had created methods to handle certain tasks only to end up using them much further along in the programming phase. I had to keep looking back between my classes in order to remember what the hell I was asking the program to do.

Eventually, and I'll admit I learned a thing or two, the entire program was entered into the compiler. For about 5 seconds, I could feel the ground beneath me shake with the epicness of the moment (yes I know "epicness" isn't a word, thank you spell-check). And THEN... I tried to run it. Apparently ... in spite of the program being an applet, and not needing a "main" method, it wouldn't work as a jar file, or as an applet running on a browser because it didn't have a main class. I can't set a main class, and the compiler (NetBeans) doesn't show me any way to make a class into a main class. I can't just add a main method in the main class because it's not a application... well, I could... but that doesn't really solve the problem.

 

So 3 hours later after checking through several forums and googling the hell out of it (damn it, spell-checker, that IS a word... or should be), I hadn't found the answer. Needless to say I threw the book through my window and went to watch that episode of South Park that's been waiting on my Tivo. This could take a while...

Awesome Band Names 1

Just a quick, short list of awesome band names. One day, I hope to start a band and quickly switch names to make use of all of these. But until then, you’re all welcome to steal them.

1) Windmill of Death

2) Shine Get

3) Bubblegum Haircut

4) Adorably Tipsy

5)  Very Important Pagan

Impressions: Real Steel

I came into this movie a bit late even though I’d been wanting to see it for a while. The trailer gives the movie an interesting vibe that really appeals to me: Dark future where complex technology is an everyday thing. Add to that Hugh Jackman, who admittedly is hit or miss with his roles, and you have my attention.

What I didn’t expect from the movie is the interesting interchange between Jackman’s character, Charlie Kenton, and his on-screen son, played by Dakota Goyo. The first few minutes of the film revolve around Charlie’s “down on his luck”, ex-pro gone amateur persona. Yes I admit that some of it is quite cliché, but as we get further into the film we see how the character is fleshed out without resorting to the usual pound-it-into the audience methods of film making. There is some of that, demonstrated by Charlie’s gambling addiction, but as we see more of him we’re led to realize that the gambling is more of a symptom of his character flaws: Charlie is impulsive and quick to act, traits that may have served him in the past but now become a hindrance.

Interestingly, Charlie’s son, Max, is exactly the opposite at the start of the film and watching the two change throughout the movie, bringing their personalities closer to each other, is charming. Not all the dialogue is gold here, but there are some really nice exchanges pulled off very well by the two actors. One of the better scenes revolves around Max’s decision to retrieve an old, junk robot from the scrap yard. Charlie’s response to his pig-headed son’s adamant behavior is to say “If you want it, you’ll have to bring it in yourself.” Which, of course, he does. As Max pushes the old robot along on a cart towards their tractor his reply doesn’t even need words: he just starts punching away at him weakly while Charlie simply tries to parry.

Evangeline Lilly does a good job of serving as the love interest in the film, she looks good and is charming even when chastising Charlie. But part of me feels that she was directed to be a bit weak rather than the tough woman she should be. When she becomes legitimately angry at Charlie she yells at him with a partial smile on her face. Several times during the film I wish she’d just slugged the guy.

And speaking of slugging: the final star of the film is, of course, Atom the robot. I haven’t done any real research on this but the robot scenes often look like a mix between CGI, puppetry and live-action robot suits. Some of this is more evident than others during certain scenes but over-all it works quite well. The only thing that didn’t work for me was the attempt to make Atom seem more human or even sentient. We spend a lot of time seeing how these robots are NOT human and have no independent thought. The film then tries to tell us, through Max, that they MUST have feelings after all. No. No they don’t.

Ultimately I think the movie works because it’s about the characters reacting to their world rather than the world acting on the characters. In fact, the world they’re in isn’t really that different from our own. We’re told the story takes place (by inference) after 2016 but we don’t really know how much after. Other than the presence of robots and a few really big screens outside of stadiums, the technology is more of less the same as our own. I think this works in favor of the film because we don’t spend a lot of time trying to figure out how things got to where they are; we already know: time passed.

I’ll say two things about this movie to finish up: First, this movie is an interesting mix of elements but they aren’t necessarily original. Second, I don’t care because it’s charming and entertaining enough even in this incarnation. The movie has a lot in common with the movies “Over the Top” and “Rocky”, two Silvester Stalone movies. I have to wonder if the writer is a fan of Stalone’s. But in spite of noticing the similarities even half-way through the movie, I still enjoyed it. I just wish someone had interviewed Jackman while he says “Yo Adrian, we did it!”

Is it fun yet?

A little while ago I decided to learn to design games. Then, at the beginning of the year, I made it my resolution to design and program an entire game by December. So far, I’ve learned a lot about design but still don’t feel like I can tackle an entire game. But, having made the resolution, I have no intention of backing out.

The one thing that I’ve realized as I continue learning about design and games in general is that making things fun is actually very difficult. Designing a game itself is easy. That’s just a matter of putting together a series of rules that have to be followed sequentially or conditionally to make events occur that are either declared “in favor” of the player or “against” the player. But really… that’s not fun.

Have you ever been so bored that your start bouncing a ball against the wall. And after a while you say to yourself, “Ok, now my goal is to bounce the ball at THAT specific spot”. If you were to ask yourself “was that fun?” the answer would probably be “no'”. And yet it was a kind of game.

Right now, that’s how I feel my game design is going. I’m putting a bunch of rules together that either get the player closer to their goal or impede them from their goal. I don’t ever feel like I’m actually making anything FUN.

So at this point, I’ve decided to do a couple of things. First, I’m going to build a game that isn’t really a game. I’m going to build an engine that can be used to put together a point-and-click adventure game. Whether that takes the form of a Myst style game or more of a Monkey Island style game, I have yet to determine. Second, I have to play a lot more games than I have been. I need to get to the root of what makes games fun to play. I have some theories floating around from what I’ve read, but I don’t always agree with those. The only thing I tend to agree with is that games that are most “fun” are those in which the player is always learning something new. Even if the thing they’re learning is only how to be better at the game. So that’s my starting point. Always have the player learn something new about the game, the mechanics, or about the level. The player should always feel like there’s something new happening to them or their avatar.

The only question now is, “How the hell do I do that?!”

Windows Live Writer

I decided to update my Windows 7 machine this morning in an attempt to procrastinate from doing any actual work. To my surprise it also downloaded Windows Live Writer which, apparently, also allows me to edit my blog. Or maybe that’s ALL it does… in any case, I’m using it to check out it’s functions. It basically looks like Word but edits your blog. Yay?

Rough Day

It's been a pretty rough day today. My computer apparently contracted some kind of malware that's been driving me up the wall. There are other problems that haven't allowed me to fix it, but primarily my day has sucked pretty hard because of that one thing. Right now, I'm looking at an alert screen that's telling me that the the damn thing is still there, but I can't figure out how to kill it. Right now, I'm pretty sure I'm still infected, but I've managed to kill the worst of it. So with that in mind, and with a great desire to stop thinking about this, I'm going to look at some random stuff that I think is funny.

While researching hot to deal with the malware, I found out that the top Google searches that begin with "Gettin rid of " are Bed Bugs, Stretch Marks, Love Handles, Ants, Mice, Black Heads, Cellulite, Belly Fat, Fleas, and Acne Scars. In that order.
Really? Bed Bugs? I looked them up on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bedbug and it turns out they're basically fleas. They just happen to drink human blood and live in your mattress. I wouldn't visit the wikipedia link unless you like looking at insects. They make my skin crawl.
So apparently we're all having our blood sucked out by insects while we sleep. Or so it would seem, since this apparently beats out FOUR concerns regarding fat, and three other kinds of pests. Hmmm... It's kind of odd that all of these either concern pests or beauty. I'm disappointed to see there aren't more people simply searching for "Getting rid of inequity" or "Getting rid of oppressive government" or even "Getting rid of an old couch"... possibly because it has bed bugs in it.


So while we're on the subject of "Getting rid of love handles", Here's an image for Diet Water. YES, that's right. DIET. WATER. You know, because regular water has too many calories.

Now, Ok. I'm probably not being fair here. The label is in Japanese and maybe there's something more to ... Hmmm. Nope. Can't do it. I can't be fair to this product. It says DIET WATER on it! DIET!!! WATER!!!

I would be rude not to link to the original story from which I took this image, so here it is: http://360newsnow.com/viewArticle.php?article_id=36&title=Kill_All_Diets__Weeding_out_the_Bull It's originally a story about those stupid "One Rule to A Flat Stomach: Obey" ads you see around the internet. It's actually kind of interesting and saved me the trouble of finding out what the "one rule" was. SPOILER: Apparently it's to go to the toilet a lot.

So that was fun. I'll try to come back a bit more often now and post more stuff. I've been really slacking off and I've really wanted to start posting regularly. Let's hope I can keep up this time. I'm supposed to head to San Diego Comic Con sometime next week and I hope to get a lot of images. I'm hoping for a great deal of scantily clad ladies. But being a Comic Con, I'll probably have to settle with horribly inappropriately dressed, fat, hairy men.

Bye for now.

Tube me? Tube ME?! No, sir. TUBE YOU!

As it goes with these things, I'm probably one of the last people to find this out. But I think it's important that I mention it. I was just screwing around on YouTube and found that they actually have FULL episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series.

That is awesome.

So you have to sit through an ad before the episodes begin, and ads at every interval where the tv broadcast would have placed them, but that's still amazing. This is where YouTube needs to go. Don't get me wrong, I love to watch 10 minute videos of people playing with their parakeets or 15+ minute videos of teenagers going "OH MY GOD! I'm the only person in the world who's ever experienced pain and sadness. Booo hoo hoo!". BUT, let's be honest. These were only time killers and temporary place holders while the pro-entertainment industry got their heads out of their back sides and started providing us with real content. And apparently, this has finally happened.

Here's the link: Star Trek: TOS
Shatner & Nemoy FTW!

I sincerely hope it's New

There's got to be a better way...

Ever had an itch on your back in a hard to reach place? You stretch and you pull and you TRY to get at it, but it's JUST out of reach? It's infuriating, isn't it? Well now you can beat the crap out of your back for being so inconvenient with this device:

Holiday Cheer '07

I want to extend a happy tidings to everyone out there during the Holidays. And, because I'm nothing if not helpful, I've compiled a list of gifts that anyone out there can get me for Christmas. Now, some of you out there may be saying "But wait... what if I don't know you? Anyway, I have a whole lot of friends already I have to get gifts for." Well, let me tell you that this is the season for giving, damn it. So GIMME!
But ok, I get it. You want ideas for other people on your list. That's fine. Take any of these suggestions and apply them liberally across your entire list of friends. There, don't you feel better? You can thank me by sending me a gift. Or money. Preferably in twenty dollar bills.

The Christmas List:

1. Perfumes, body washes, etc. -- If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that people stink. Every single last one of them. So this Holiday season, let us make a commitment to rectifying this horrible oversight of nature. Give a gift to your friends and family that helps them mask that terrible funk. And don't let any of their nay saying dissuade you. After all, they can't smell themselves as clearly as you can smell them. Just be careful with allergies. The last thing you want is to give them something you're going to be allergic to. So try it out before you buy.

2. Property ... in SPACE! -- Listen, there's no greater gift than land. And what's more exciting than space. Therefore, giving the gift of space land must be the greatest gift ever. I'm not going to link to any particular site here because, frankly, there are too many of them and I don't want to look like I'm favoring anyone in particular. But rest assured for a mere 20 to 40 dollars you can own a piece of the moon or name an entire star after someone you know. Now there are some criticisms about this kind of gift as no earthly body will recognize your rights or honor any purchases made in this way and the fact that there's an international treaty that does not allow any private entity to own astronomical bodies... or parts of it... BUT if you think about it, it's a no brainer.
Whoever you're giving the gift to is probably not going to live long enough to see civilians land on the moon or visit distant stars. So you're essentially in the clear. If anyone ever complains just tell them "Look, if you want to go visit it go ahead. It's right there. I'm not stopping you." It's not YOUR fault they can't ACTUALLY do it.

3. Any gift that results in a post card with the words "So-and-so has made a contribution to X in your name." -- Now technically, I'm not really interested in getting this gift. In fact, don't bother sending me this gift. I'll just hate you forever.
But I can't help but marvel at the genius that thought this up. I can, in effect, not get you ANYTHING and you still have to act like you appreciate it. This is the greatest scam ever. "Listen," I will say "I got you the greatest gift of all. The gift of seeing a child smile." I will then hand you a postcard featuring a small toothless baby displaying a strange expression that MAY be a smile or MAY be constipation. I can never tell. I will then ask you to disregard the fact that the postcard itself looks like a badly printed card that may or may not have come from a desktop printer. If you push the issue I'll call you an uncaring bastard. GENIUS!

4. Anything handmade -- Some would argue that handmade gifts should really remain the domain of 6 year olds with macaroni. I say, these people are too narrow minded. Not everything handmade has to be crappy. In fact, here's a link to a handmade ring on Amazon.com. Also, there are these people. Granted, I don't know how to play the guitar. But maybe all I've been waiting for is for someone to give me a handmade model to encourage me to learn. The pricier the more incentive.

So there you have it. With this as your guide, you will not go wrong this holiday season. And remember: twenty dollar bills.

HOLY MOLY!

Giant Squid! Wheee! Anyway, here's a link to the Reuters story: SQUID. You can find a couple more pictures there as well as a video on the story. Pretty cool. Enjoy.

Shorts: Episode 1

The people of Twik had been known across the galaxy for their great religious zealotry for over three thousand years. Many different religions had existed before and even to this day there were many small religions, seen mainly as misguided cults, throughout the planet. The most wide spread religion concerned itself not with the salvation of souls or in the upward morality of its citizenry, but rather with ensuring that the large part of it’s native population never discovered that there were inhabitants beyond their planet’s atmosphere.

The irony, of course, was that for the past seven hundred years the entire planet had been engaged in galactic trade and communication. The entire planet’s population was aware of the aliens beyond the bounds of their home world but refused to speak of the whole thing out of polite deference for their chosen belief system.

The trouble had begun pretty much at the inception of the religion. When the prophet Miktet had prophesied that beyond the world in which he lived there existed a land of beauty and plenty from which no creature would desire to return, his disciples took him a bit too literally. After Miktet’s death his diciples buried his remains and watched the grave for several years awaiting his spiritual rebirth. Of course, this did not happen. His disciples rejoiced and at last carried Miktet’s words to the planet’s inhabitants; knowing he had spoken truth. Miktet, they argued, had gained divinity and had no desire to return to the earthly plane. What further proof was necessary?

What followed was twenty-five hundred years of scientific stagnation as religious leaders declared any building more than 2 stories tall was an affront to the heavens. Only the church, they argued, could break this rule as its holy countenance was the only structure the gods deemed worthy. Along this same vein aeronautics, radio communication and astrology were deemed heretical.

When the Twik at last made contact with an alien culture they did so only on their own terms. For several days the Lorcati had hovered above their planet attempting to communicate via a series of complex lights and maneuvers. When no opposition, or in fact any acknowledgement either way, the Lorcati dropped their main fleet above several highly populated cities and made several attempts at communication involving several speaker phones, a series of astounding light displays, three psychics, and little used communication technique involving scented plant matter. After careful consideration the Lorcati believed they had found the only species in the galaxy incapable of perceiving the world around them.

In a final attempt at communication the Lorcati admiral chose to land on the planet itself and witness the extent of the Twik’s sensorial deficiency. What follows is the official Lorcati log concerning Twikian Contact Alpha:

:: Various sounds as Admiral Fuslag prepares to gauge planet inhabitant’s inability to sense planetary stimuli ::

Fuslag: I am now walking about the planet seeking an inhabitant with which to make contact… or as is believed by most of my scientific crew, to fail miserably at making contact of any kind. So far we have been flying about the planet at about 100 meters above the surface; making a ruckus of all kinds… and the inhabitants have yet to take notice.

:: wedging sound ::

Fuslag: I have now activated my neural communication device which should enable me to speak to the native inhabitants… provided they are capable of thought.

:: sound of gravel being trod upon ::

Fuslag: So far I have not encountered any living sentients in the city… I presume they have all retreated into their living structures. I am making my way now to what appears to be the largest structure in this town… my hope is to make contact without having to … crawl through a window or break down any doors… as we all recall what happened on planet Swic’k … I still have nightmares about that one… so much butter…

:: recording interrupted at this point and resumed 20 minutes later ::

Fuslag: The recording shall show that 20 minutes have passed since the last recording. I will have to apologize for this lapse… but there are things… a man should never have to relive…

:: recording interrupted at this point and resumed 4 minutes later ::

:: sounds of retching ::

Fuslag: Oh god… that’s… SO MUCH BUTTER!

:: Content edited by High Command under grounds of Intergalactic Security ::

:: recording resumed 20 minutes later ::

Fuslag: At last. I think I see an inhabitant of the planet. He appears to be sitting on a flat white stone. The inhabitant itself is a brown, hairy creature. It is wearing a white pointy hat. I will now attempt to make contact…

:: sound of gravel being trod upon carefully ::

Fuslag: Pardon me? Might you have the local temporal measurement?

Inhabitant: What then? The locust tendril excrement? I haven’t a clue of such things. If you want pest control you’ll have to go to brother Mentris. That’s his business. I just water the :: untranslatable word indicating local plant matter ::.

Fuslag: Oh… yes… Uh… I presume he can hear and speak as well?

Inhabitant: What? Of course he can you … What the devil are you!?

Fuslag: Admiral Fuslag, Commander First Class, currently assigned to Fleet Zeta Zeta Alpha. I have come to your planet to extend to you the appendage of friendship as authorized by the Lorcati high command.

Inhabitant: Appendage, you say?

Fuslag: Yes well… not all known species in the galaxy have what one would call hands… or in fact recognizable arm structures…

:: silence ::

Inhabitant: Well good then. You’ve done that and can now take your appendage and go away again, I trust?

Fuslag: ‘fraid not. Now that we have become allies the High Command will want to sign treaties and establish a trade route through this sector. Possibly your people will be ready to join the galactic assembly within five hundred years… you’ll have to fill out a form for that… and there’s a waiting period. You know how it is; red tape.

:: silence ::

Fuslag: So shall we get to it then?

:: silence ::

Fuslag: Eh… The record will show that the inhabitant has fallen into some kind of… self induced mental coma.

Inhabitant: You’re one the sky visitors?

Fuslag: Sky--- oh! Yes. Yes indeed. We have descended from the sky to bring you SCIENCE and TECHNOLO—

Inhabitant: You don’t exist then. Oh my, you gave me a scare. For a moment I thought you might be serious.

Fuslag: What’s that? What do you mean I don’t exist. I’m standing right in front of you aren’t I?

Inhabitant: Ah, yes. But the prophet Miktet told us of the world beyond our own and said that none would want to return to the earthly realm after ascending. Thus, you are an affront to the natural way of things or are the mental fabrication of an old man in his waning years.

Fuslag: I… but…

:: silence ::

Inhabitant: Be so kind as to leave now. I have much watering of the ::plant-form:: to do.

Fuslag: All right… look here. I can’t very well go back to my ship and tell my subordinates that I made contact with a single old man who refused to speak to me because he didn’t believe I existed. If you’ll direct me to someone less…

Inhabitant: senile?

Fuslag: mentally saddled with responsibility…

Inhabitant: I would have said senile.

Fuslag: I’ll get out of your way.

Inhabitant: Oh, I can’t do that. There isn’t anyone.

Fuslag: What? Why not?

Inhabitant: Well aside from you being a mental fabrication of my own mind, no one would speak to you if you came from the heavens. It would be heretical.

Fuslag: But… clearly if I came from the world beyond you should want to know what that world is like, right?!

Inhabitant: Oh gods, no. Whatever happens up there is none of our business. At least, not until we have ascended.

Fuslag: Well who’s to say I’m not one of your … uh… ascended. Yes, that’s it. I’ve come back to guide your planet to a more prosperous time.

Inhabitant: Good one. But the prophet Miktet himself did not return from the beyond. Why should I believe you?

:: silence ::

Fuslag: Because I have a giant bloody fleet at my command and I can incinerate your entire planet if you don’t take me seriously!

Inhabitant: But in order to believe in your fleet I’d have to believe in you. And as we have already established, you do not exist.

Fuslag: We have established no such thing! I tell you, I am a Lorcati admiral and I have come to enlighten your planet! Now are you going to be enlightened or do I have to blast you to kingdom come?!

Inhabitant: Now now. There’s no reason to yell at a senile old man.

Fuslag: Mentally saddled with responsibility.

Inhabitant: If you are one of the sky people, you must be a god.

Fuslag: Well no. I’m much like yourself just of a different species. Different world.

Inhabitant: Too bad. If you were a god our people would acknowledge your existence. As it is, you can only be my imagination.

Fuslag: Aha! You fell for it. I’m Fuslag, God of… intergalactic fleets.

Inhabitant: I could have sworn you said you weren’t –

Fuslag: That’s just the senility speaking. Now let’s get these treaties signed before you anger your god!

:: record end ::

A Heavy Handed Analogy

It was an early November morning in the city of the sun. The synthetic had crawled out of the sewer and beheld the sunrise and was changed. It fell to its knees and stayed there as the traffic around him had swelled until at last he was surrounded by the sound of metal cylinders creating tiny explosions that helped the organics navigate the chaos in their large metal vehicles which made blusterous honking sounds at other organics. The synthetic watched the burning orb as it sailed across the empty sky, wondering how it managed to stay in the sky without falling.
When the sun at last fell behind the horizon the synthetic was left alone in the street with only a handful of street lamps to light his way. Without the sun to light the world, the synthetic felt alone and in an odd way, though this was impossible, he felt the cold of the night penetrate his hard ceramic frame.
When the sun did not rise again 12 hours later, the synthetic anguished. How could anyone live in a world without the light of the sun? At last, in the distance, he could see two pale white lights coming his way swerving back and forth on the street. “Perhaps they are bits of the sun”, he thought, “broken off and wandering their way back to it. I will direct them towards it and they will guide me to its home.” As the lights approached, much too quickly, he felt himself rise and quickly crash into the ground. Though he tried to stand he could no longer conjure the energy and after a short time he ceased trying.
At 7:30 on a November morning in the city of the sun, the city maintenance department made its way through the traffic of the city to a synthetic which had been reported as causing an obstruction on a main street. Sometime in the morning, a few minutes before sunrise, it had been struck by an unknown motorist and been left in the eastbound lane.

This is why I love Geek-Fu Action Grip. Most parents would be so creeped out by this image there is no chance in hell they would ever take a picture of it and share it with the web community. But Mur Lafferty of Geek-Fu, and all true nerds, love the opportunity to share this. LISTEN TO GEEK-FU!

Respect my Sereni-tay!

I was checking out the latest Diggnation video podcast this morning and they mentioned something called South Park Studio. It's a pretty cool site that lets you create characters with the same look as the South Park cartoon.
Suffice it to say that I HAD to try my hand at it and you see the fruit of my labor above. The cast of Firefly done up as best as the site will allow. I think it came out pretty good.