Friday, June 16, 2006

Welcome to the suck

It's Friday morning and I'm looking through my movie options for the day... I can't say I'm very pleased. The following are some quick thoughts about my prospects.

The Break-up: Been out for a while and I still have no interest for this. In fact, I care less about it now than ever. Even as a chick-flick this movie falls short. I can barely stand to watch the previews. I can't imagine the kind of torture it would be to watch the whole movie.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Let's ignore the fact that the name alone makes me laugh out loud. This movie has nothing to offer me. I don't care about fast cars and the loser pretty boys showing off. I curse everyone involved with this movie. I hope they die a horrible flaming death.

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties: What the hell?! Is there some kind of law that all movies being released now need to have a subtitle? Damn you, Hollywood. Damn you all! I hope ants eat your eyes as you sleep!

The Lake House: Sandra Bullock. Keanu Reeves. Magic Mailbox. Who keeps giving these people work?! Actually, forget that. I know who keeps giving them work and it's not entirely their fault. It's YOURS! And... mine. It's true. I went to watch the Matrix movies... I watched Speed. And so did you, admit it! We share the blame for this movie and have no right to complain. Even so, I didn't write the script or decide to inflict it upon the American public. In some countries, Sandra Bullock is considered a crime against humanity. After it was discovered that Keanu's bad acting is actually a tangible substance which spreads through the air, he has been banned by international treaty from traveling by air. If you don't believe me watch Constantine. Previously thought to be "atmosphere" created by lighting, Keanu's bad acting was filmed by the Constantine cameras. Especially thick and potent in that film, it was observed to wander about the set and make small chit chat with the crew. Scientist have now observed the substance and have named it Keanium, in honor of its creator.

Cars: What the hell? No subtitles? You mean it's not called "Cars: Shadow Demon Osaka Nitro"? It's NOT just a bad storyline with shiny CGI designed to entertain retarded babies for 5 minutes and making adults vomit in anger?* This... is a movie handed down by the Gods themselves. A breath of fresh air in an endless field surrounded by cows doing their business. Man... I'm in rare form today. Behold my authorial prowess!
But back to the issue at hand. Pixar. I think I love you. I have watched your films and have been impressed with every one. Granted this movie has it's flaws... like never explaining how a world filled with cars and no humans could exist. Just the thought of cars evolving sentience is weird.

Nacho Libre: Yes. I know. I'm bad. I think I'm going to watch this movie. I accept your hate and ridicule. I am indeed what is wrong with this country. But in my defence, ummm... "sometimes a man wears stretchy pants... just for fun".

*"Vomiting in Anger" brought to you by the genius writers of Futurama. I steal because I love.

END COMMUNICATION!